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Idol Finale – It’s Finally Over

by on Wednesday, May 26, 2010 11:23 pm

I demand that this night be documented. Get typing Dave! (Okay, you have the baby so Dave types for you).

1) Alice Krueger (Dave has corrected me and let me know it’s Cooper, not Krueger, but I have just decided to rename him) was odd. Did I miss him singing? I don’t think he sang. Who is he? Why didn’t he sing, but just stand about, like a piece of furniture. Why was he there in the first place?

2) Then they brought out Siobhan and Aaron of all people. Why? I want to like Siobhan, but each time she opens her mouth she makes that impossible. She seems so sweet, but it hurts! It hurts the ears.

3) The Bee Gees sound like they were injured in their vocal cords as babies.  They are amazing musicians, but their voices are painful to hear. Dave protests that they were absolute trailblazers. Staying Alive was a landmark! He’s right, which is probably why we tolerate them. Go Bee Gees! They still hurt to listen to though, I don’t understand their voices at all. Dave complains that they had instant harmony whenever they sang, but so what, so can my sister and I. It’s a genetic thing.

4) Oh look–another Bee Gee!  But Dave says Michael McDonald was a Doobie Brother, not a Bee Gee. Same difference. He sounds like someone stuffed a rag down his throat and surgically attached it. But he gave props to Big Mike, which I love. How humble is that?

6) Christina Aguilera came on! She is an amazing talent! But she only sang with the others for about 5 seconds. Why are the wonderfully talented people moving across the stage like a dog sliding on a freshly waxed wood floor? They appear, make their presence known, then vanish. But wait–Christina is actually singing now! See, Alicia Keys can’t do this.  She can’t transition her voice half steps without going flat. Christina is fantastic!

7) Jefferson is almost sitting up! Yahoo! And he’s teething, uggh. He feels compelled to share his misery. . . but he does like Christina, as any decent person should. . . . Maybe they didn’t let Alice Krueger sing because he sucks? Seriously, did I miss him singing?

8) I demand that Dave share what he thought of dinner. Dave liked dinner a lot. Tasty, but he says it was too fatty, like everything I cook. “Don’t use so much fat!”, says Dave. I can’t believe Dave is complaining about fat. He says a little bit goes a long way, but I use it like it’s its own food group. He’s boring and fat is wonderful! Dave, you’re just accurately describing part of the USDA food pyramid. Fat is it’s own food group fool!

9) Hall & Oates are good. Their voices are nice too.  My sister recorded a lot of her music with their engineer, who also worked with a certain mega-star who sings, dances, choreographs, and until recently, was a judge on American Idol, but shall remain nameless.  Apparently, her voice is as bad as we all think it is, and every note that came out of her mouth had to be re-engineered.

10) Dave doesn’t have breasts yet. I was promised he would develop lactating breasts. Mine need the JV team to step in and help out.

11) Crystal’s father looks good, but have you seen where he lives and how he’s dressed up to this point?  I guarantee you that he did not dress himself tonight, nor does he actually own those clothes.  He had help.

<Paula has realized that Jefferson’s belly button is crusty. I have begged her not to pick at it and she can’t help herself. She says, “Well I can’t stop now.”>

12) I can’t believe Dave ate all of the rest of the food. True, I did say he could eat as much as he wanted, but I would have liked a little more, at least of the kale and parsnips, which Dave says was too fatty.  But I didn’t expect him to plow through all of  it. Dave says I can’t possibly be so naive.

<Dave is tired. He is glad this show is ending. He read who won on the internet. Lee won. Dave goes to bed in 45 minutes. Oh yeah, spoiler alert.>

13) Dave rejected my idea that we have 24 babies and get a reality show. I have reduced it to 16 babies, and he still says no. Okay, 12 babies and we start a musical group, but Dave says that’s why children hate their parents.  He’s a tough sell, but I’m insistent that we make money off of our 2 dozen future children in some way.  Eventually, I’ll hit upon an idea that will be too good to resist…but in the meantime, Jefferson is thankful that his daddy isn’t letting me turn him into a baby super-model.

Lee won. Yay Lee!  Did you see his tears while he sang his victory song?  I would sooooo run Dave over to get to Lee if I thought he would give me a second glance.  Or a first.  Or an autograph.  🙂

Dave still needs breasts.

Goodnight peeps!


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One Comment
  1. Dave permalink

    Yes, yes, fat is it’s own food group.

    However, you are supposed to “use sparingly.”

    Just a thought.

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