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My days go something like this. . .

by on Wednesday, October 10, 2012 10:43 pm

We’re entering week 50,000 of a toddler food strike. I’m really sick of offering food he used to love (into which I could sneak lots of goodies like raw spinach and whatever other fruit/veggie he won’t eat raw on their own…)

My days go something like this:

Paula: Do you want a smoothie? I’ll put bananas in it!

Psychotic 2 Year Old: Noooooo, don’t like. Don’t like soofie!

Paula: How about some oatmeal with apples?

Psychotic 2yo: Maybe. Don’t like oatmeal!

Later on, while passing the food samples at Costco…

Paula: Would you like a burrito?

Psychotic 2yo: Maybe.

He woofs down 2 burrito samples. Then we pass the halloween costumes, and psychotic 2yo remembers the one we weren’t able to find in his size the last time we were at costco–you know, the pilot costume with the whistle attached.

Psychotic 2yo: Whistle. I want whistle!

Paula: They don’t have your size, sweetie.

Psychotic 2yo: I want it. Want whistle. I WANT iiiiiiiittt!!!

Paula: Ok, okay. Okay!!

I check and see they have his size now, even though the clerk we asked to look for it during the last visit said they didn’t have anymore and wouldn’t get more in. Am now annoyed that I’ll have to return the lame dinosaur costume I got him and purchase a more expensive costume because “the whistle” is now in the death grip of a 2yo who has wrapped his lips around the coveted whistle and is blowing it. It’s loud. REALLY loud.

Paula: Would you like to try some sausage?

I mean the meatless variety from Morning Star; very tasty, in case you haven’t had it yet.

Psychotic 2yo: No. Sausage? I want sausage. I WANT iiiiiiittt!

He woofs down so many sausage samples, I had to wait until a different employee went on duty behind the cart to snerch multiple samples for fear they would permanently ban me and my family from Costco.

Paula: Would you like to try a smoothie?

(Full of lovely berries and yogurt, JUST LIKE I MAKE AT HOME!!!)

Psychotic 2yo: Soofie? Maybe. I want soofie!

He’s addressing a strange lady even though I repeatedly tell him to stop talking to strangers.

Psychotic 2yo: Look, I…I have a whistle!

Strange, sarcastic Lady: Oh, I know! I can hear it. I’ve been hearing it for a long time now!

Ignore the strange lady…ignore the strange lady, ignore the strange lady. Do NOT call her a choice name, and don’t tell your psychotic 2yo to blow the whistle louder, preferably in her direction.

The psychotic 2yo drops smoothie all over the floor while I’m busy stealing sample number 5 from the fake sausage stand. I’m watching smoothie splatter all over the costume, his cute new outfit, my clothes–NOT cute!– and the sleeping 3 month old strapped to my chest, and various items in the cart.

Psychotic 2yo: I need a papeh towel. Papeh towel, mommy!

Vigorous crying ensues about dropped smoothie.

Paula: Ok, it’s okay, sweetie! I’ll get you a paper towel…

I fetch multiple baby wipes from my ginormous diaper bag-purse that is currently buried under giant bags of frozen, organic veggies and start to clean up the cart while the sample lady cleans up the floor. Am painfully aware that she will easily remember us now, so we shouldn’t return to the sausage sample stand, and hope they have another sample on the other side of the warehouse that the psychotic 2yo will enjoy as much as he is currently enjoying fake sausage.

Paula: Would you like another smoothie?

Psychotic 2yo: (amid sad little sniffs and cries) Smoothie. I want smoothie!

I fetch another smoothie and explain to the gentleman from whom I just took a smoothie sample that he dropped the last one.

Paula: Here you go sweetie.

I toss aside the fake sausage patties I was going to buy because I realize that my psychotic child is probably eating because he is starving and will return to the psychotic 2yo who won’t eat when we get home; I’m embarrassed that I’ve probably been pegged as a ghetto-fabulous momma who brings her children to Costco to eat free “meals”, but too excited that my child is eating something other than croutons, strawberries, milk or goldfish to care what other people are thinking.

Paula: Oh look, they have a chip sample!

Psychotic 2yo: Chips, mommy. I want chips I WANT iiiiiiiitttt!

……..Later on at home, after the psychotic 2yo has gone to bed and the not yet psychotic 3 month old has gone to sleep for what I know will be at least 4 hours…….

Ginormously Costco-sized bottle of wine: Open me. Open me NOW. I WANT iiiiiiiiitttt!

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